By Luke Willis member of the corps de ballet of San Francisco Ballet. November 14, 2008
Time dominates the lifestyle in NYC. The fear and anxiety of being on time covers the city thicker than the fog of San Francisco covers the Sunset District. Although the energy was overwhelming and not an entirely desirable condition to produce honest and vulnerable art, I still managed to make the most of our trip to NYC—when in Rome, right?
I only danced two performances at City Center, but they were important ones to me. Not only was my mom there, but I danced two of the biggest roles I have danced to date with this company. The second Friday night performance was my first ever show of Double Evil. Then the next day during the matinee, I performed a great role in Ibsen’s House with Clara Blanco. The first three quarters of our stay was comprised of me finding ways to stay in shape for the big shows, like running the ballets by myself in an empty studio, seeking out convenient yoga classes and, of course, marathon shopping. I had a week and a half in New York before the shows, and I had to distract myself from all the anxieties that accompanied this opportunity to dance significant roles with what is currently being praised as the greatest ballet company in the country, and among the best in the world.
The first two days, the stress manifested itself physically. I walked off the plane with one of the most crippling flare-ups of tendonitis in my ankle that I have ever had. It lasted for two days and when it finally subsided, after much coaxing, it became apparent how the chronic pain was a direct result of my emotional and mental stress.I was becoming overwhelmed by the prospect of being put on a stage in front of one of the most judgmental audiences in the world with “over the top” expectations and the looming possibility of my failure to deliver something worthy of their time, not even to mention their money.
It seems we (I guess I should speak for myself, but we’re not much different, you and me) always fear the unknown, but why? What negative experiences do we have of the unknown that would create such a reaction? Doesn’t the unknown hold endless possibility? Isn’t that a positive thing?Shouldn’t we embrace it with love and fearlessness? Ah, I found my mantra. The efforts of the next ten days were spent trying to convince myself of this mantra. It is very easy to know something intellectually, but very difficult to believe and trust it.
The final rehearsal (and the only one onstage) the day before left me in tears – still, that silly stress thing was getting in my way. It was then, as with all great tales, that divinity stepped in. A mentor stepped in with a few words that rang out and echoed through my whole being, “Be yourself and do what you do, that’s why you were chosen to do this.”
I walked in to New York City Center Friday morning with a newfound courage to dance and live. I lived Jorma Elo’s Double Evil. I lived every moment of it. And it felt good. No, it felt awesome.
I love that my work is so alive and requires so much presence, commitment, and vulnerability. I am given permission to explore the depths of my inner being daily, to express my deepest wishes and desires through the most basic form of communication, movement. It’s frightening stuff, but the rewards are endless. Ever since arriving in San Francisco my ego has been flooded with a great deal of insecurity and fear. I want so badly to be a part of this company, but my longing has blinded me from realizing that I AM a part of this company! The faith put in me by the artistic staff has inspired a new level of confidence in myself.
In a New York Minute
member of the corps de ballet of San Francisco Ballet.
November 14, 2008
Time dominates the lifestyle in NYC. The fear and anxiety of being on time covers the city thicker than the fog of San Francisco covers the Sunset District. Although the energy was overwhelming and not an entirely desirable condition to produce honest and vulnerable art, I still managed to make the most of our trip to NYC—when in Rome, right?
I only danced two performances at City Center, but they were important ones to me. Not only was my mom there, but I danced two of the biggest roles I have danced to date with this company. The second Friday night performance was my first ever show of Double Evil. Then the next day during the matinee, I performed a great role in Ibsen’s House with Clara Blanco. The first three quarters of our stay was comprised of me finding ways to stay in shape for the big shows, like running the ballets by myself in an empty studio, seeking out convenient yoga classes and, of course, marathon shopping. I had a week and a half in New York before the shows, and I had to distract myself from all the anxieties that accompanied this opportunity to dance significant roles with what is currently being praised as the greatest ballet company in the country, and among the best in the world.
The first two days, the stress manifested itself physically. I walked off the plane with one of the most crippling flare-ups of tendonitis in my ankle that I have ever had. It lasted for two days and when it finally subsided, after much coaxing, it became apparent how the chronic pain was a direct result of my emotional and mental stress. I was becoming overwhelmed by the prospect of being put on a stage in front of one of the most judgmental audiences in the world with “over the top” expectations and the looming possibility of my failure to deliver something worthy of their time, not even to mention their money.
It seems we (I guess I should speak for myself, but we’re not much different, you and me) always fear the unknown, but why? What negative experiences do we have of the unknown that would create such a reaction? Doesn’t the unknown hold endless possibility? Isn’t that a positive thing? Shouldn’t we embrace it with love and fearlessness? Ah, I found my mantra. The efforts of the next ten days were spent trying to convince myself of this mantra. It is very easy to know something intellectually, but very difficult to believe and trust it.
The final rehearsal (and the only one onstage) the day before left me in tears – still, that silly stress thing was getting in my way. It was then, as with all great tales, that divinity stepped in. A mentor stepped in with a few words that rang out and echoed through my whole being, “Be yourself and do what you do, that’s why you were chosen to do this.”
I walked in to New York City Center Friday morning with a newfound courage to dance and live. I lived Jorma Elo’s Double Evil. I lived every moment of it. And it felt good. No, it felt awesome.
I love that my work is so alive and requires so much presence, commitment, and vulnerability. I am given permission to explore the depths of my inner being daily, to express my deepest wishes and desires through the most basic form of communication, movement. It’s frightening stuff, but the rewards are endless. Ever since arriving in San Francisco my ego has been flooded with a great deal of insecurity and fear. I want so badly to be a part of this company, but my longing has blinded me from realizing that I AM a part of this company! The faith put in me by the artistic staff has inspired a new level of confidence in myself.
Orange County, bring it on.